往往在怨他们不了解我的同时，或许我更应该怨我自己没有好好的花时间陪陪他们，主动跟他们有更多的交流。还是其实更可怕的是我自己在把自己跟更多的人画圈圈，包括我父母，把自己抽离。很多事情真的太复杂了（无论是身体上或是精神上，也一样那么复杂），也不知怎样和他们解释，他们懂得越多就会越忧虑，还是自己扛的好。慢慢的，就连想回家的冲动都没了，更多的是责任吧。，责任大于情感。就算回到家，就好像让他们看到肉体上的我，但却缺乏精神上的交流。然后怨跟他们的频率不一样，很难交流，反而跟我二姑与二姑丈更聊得来。其实更应该怨的是我自己没有同理心，怎么能要求本来受教育不高的母亲与读不同课的父亲在没有交流的情况下去了解我的工作与想法。在被我父亲骂完和他的那么一句话 ‘你这几年一直频密的去旅行，我以为你活得很开心’ 我怨了他很久，我是他女儿，他竟然不知这几年我心理活得有多苦。我觉得，我掩饰得实在太好了。但，那些懂得与看穿我所拍的照片的人应该能了解吧。我拍了很多很多照片，但我都没一次过 post 完。更多的是每当 post certain 照片的时候，都是配合当下的心情。好的，这对于他说很不公平，因为他没有Facebook，也读不懂华语。而身为一个女儿，我竟然懒得听理睬我妈在生活中的的怨言，如果我在工作上能有怨言，怎么能要求我妈在生活中就不可以有，然后就expect她能理智的换位思考，不要再发牢骚。其实，她只是需要一个聆听者。但是，我真的是很累很累。
Perfectionist, something i used to be proud of – to call myself a perfectionist. It drives me to succeed, at least until became a physician. Without knowing it had caused so much harm and self destruction to a breaking point and I still proudly called myself a perfectionist. Or should i thank god the domain of my perfectionism is only at the performance at work or school and writing, but not involving all the rest of the other components? But it is more than enough to ruin my life.
And things get worse with the obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. yeah.. and i score 6 out of 8 of the DSM criteria. Excessive concern with order, rules, lists and trivial details, excessively devoted to work, overconscientious, inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, values, reluctance to delegate tasks to others, rigid and stubborn…
Setting up a high standard for myself causing so much stress, self critics, diminish self esteem, procrastination, fear of failure, rather not do something at all if it can’t be done perfectly, cognitive bias and so on.. and it is a vicious cycle that can hardly break. Worse when putting high expectation towards others too.
Procrastinate. Worried and feared of the project, slides, presentations cannot be performed/presented perfectly, including worried of unable to write/ construct a sentence without grammar mistake and deliver the message concisely..it take so much effort to overcome the ‘rather not do something at all if can’t be done perfectly’ perception/idea to just kick start the work. Even after kicking start the project and writing, there are repeatedly checking habit to make sure there’s no mistake. Or keep on editing to make it ‘more’ perfect.. that took up a lot of time and ended up no time for other activities and no enjoyment of life.
Where is this perfectionism of me come from? being scolded at a younger age when scored less than 80% during exam? High expectation from parents? making me only concentrate on the 20% that i didn’t get from the exam, but not happy and appreciate my hard work which earned me the 80%. There’s no self appreciation, no self compassion.. More practising and tuitions to score higher.. Ya. Practising makes perfect right?
Recently a psychologist asked me ‘when was the last time you said thank you to yourself?’ The answer is ‘never’. I never thank myself for all the lives that i had saved all these years. But beating and blaming myself excessively for those mistakes that i had made. Yes, selective attention – noticing the negative and discounting the positive) and overgeneralization. No self compassion.
Live in the present and screw up the ‘As’, i don’t know how i did it in uni time. Not aiming A anymore, but passed. Picked up new hobby, photography.. enjoying the process of learning photography. But relapsed after started working.. So much of stress, rumination, disappointment, frustration, moral injury, guilt and hence moral outrage, depression…not sure the passive suicidal ideation during that time was associated with this.
Trying to lower down the expectation towards others and trying to lower the standard i set for myself, allowing myself to make mistake, allowing others to make mistake…once i thought i made it or it was just temporary being suppressed? Everything rebound and relapsed horrendously during fellowship training. Feeling guilt in allowing mistake, feeling guilt for no time to check for details and look for any trivial mistake, feeling stress and tension for not able to become the old perfect me anymore and being pushed by my supervisor to a breaking point.
Hence, here it goes.. The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the positive self-talk. Calibrating the old and newer me…
The Psycho Path 